This is mainly for pufferfishgains (sorry - I didn’t know how else to send a photo). But anyway, we are both trying to be more sociable and so is Bloat!

This is mainly for pufferfishgains (sorry - I didn’t know how else to send a photo). But anyway, we are both trying to be more sociable and so is Bloat!

I was up all night watching the election results coming in and binge eating. And I have already had two lectures today and now I have another two but I really, really just want to sleep.

I promised myself I would not miss lectures this year…

…but going to the next one requires moving.

Also, I have bad reflux.

Exams…

Ok, so i finally got the rest of my exam results.

Before I sat the exams I promised myself I would be happy with just getting through them. All I needed to do really was pass the year so I could progress. And this I managed. However I would be lying if I said I felt proud of my results.

I only failed one course (which I will need to resit this year as it was compulsory) and that was the Java one, but my other marks were mainly C’s, D’s and a couple of B’s. Hmm. Plus, I am sure they didn’t add my coursework marks to my exam marks and this has upset me since I did really well in my coursework! In an effort to be assertive I have contacted the relevant people about this, but I have not heard back.

I am hugely relieved to have been able to get into this year, but also slightly terrified of failing all over again. The workload has increased a lot.

Having said that, there are no 9am lectures so that is something!

The Eating Side of Things

Ok, so I will break my update into bits, as I doubt anyone wants to read a massive block of text on how my pretty-boring life is going!

Food wise things haven’t been great. I went through a phase of having extremely long, extremely large binges while I was waiting for exam results and sleeping through entire days.

I am no longer doing that (fingers crossed) currently, but it is still a nightly occurrence and I am seriously concerned that I am going to struggle hugely with the work load of uni and the constant presence of bulimia.

It has been 4 or 5 years since I have had more than a night free from binging in my own home. And that concerns me. But I guess i just have to try and stay positive and do the best I can to beat this compulsion (addiction?).

In other news my weight has increased due to the binging (and some of my efforts to eat more during the day to reduce said binging) which makes me feel a bit crap, but I am trying to find a sense of worth from other things.

I will update soon but I need a nap now because otherwise I will fall asleep in my next lecture!

A message from Anonymous
Hi again, it is the non-hero-complex person:) I would love to give you support and help you through this:) I too am struggling with issues (not sure yet, but with eating related behaviour I can't really admit to yet). I have my first appt with a university counsellor in 1 1/2 weeks (kind of nervous!). Is there a more private way to contact you? Maybe Facebook or something? (I would also reveal my identity lol!)

Hi Anon :-)

That is so kind of you - it would be good to get to know you better, and maybe I can offer you some help and support as well :-)


I’ll post my facebook on here for you, and once you add me I will delete it (just don’t want to have it up for all to see!).

xxxxx

A message from Anonymous
I definitely don't have a hero complex! But I want to let you know that you are not alone. It must be so hard living with this and I can only begin to imagine how you are feeling! I hope you are talking to a therapist or have a support team to help get you through this. You can totally do this, and you are worth recovery:)

Awww Anon,

Thank you so much for taking the time to message me this. I read it at 4am this morning when I was feeling rock bottom and it really picked me up. It is just easy to feel completely alone sometimes as everyone else I know seems to move on with their lives, while I stay stuck.

Unfortunately the ED services where I live are more geared up to helping those with anorexia so I don’t have a therapist or support team. I have a consultant who I see once every 6 weeks or so, and I think I am being put on a waiting list for group therapy, so maybe that will help.

Thank you for having faith in me. You are right - I can do this. I just need to really commit to it, and I will. I hope that when I recover I can lead a worthwhile life :-)

I hope things are going well for you, and you are happy :-) You are a lovely person for taking your time to cheer me up - remember that :-)

A message from Anonymous
I just found your blog:) I hav a question for you: if i use diet pills (4-6/day) & take laxatives (2-3/day) and count calories, should i get help? i feel like I'm not sick enough or if i am even sick @ all? #personal

Hi Anon :-)

You should definitely get help. Never think you are not sick enough for help, because if something is controlling your life and making it miserable and you can’t stop it on your own, then you need support. The fact you don’t see yourself as ill only shows how disordered your thinking is. And using laxatives and diet pills can seriously damage your health, especially when you go above the recommended dose.

I don’t know what country you are in, but if it is the UK then I would recommend going to your GP. GP’s are variable however, and some can be clueless about eating disorders, so if they brush you off then don’t feel it is a reflection of you, it is a reflection of their ignorance. I also don’t know how old you are, but if you live at home it would be worth telling your parents, if you think they are likely to be able to support you.

I hope you can get the right support soon xxx

Happy Birthday to pufferfishgains!!! This is my toy puffer fish called “Bloat” from “Finding Nemo”. He would like to say hi to a fellow puffer fish :-)

Happy Birthday to pufferfishgains!!! This is my toy puffer fish called “Bloat” from “Finding Nemo”. He would like to say hi to a fellow puffer fish :-)

Lonliness

So yesterday I made a real effort and had a good day. I arranged to meet a friend in the evening and it was lovely to just chat and be with someone.

Unfortunately after I came home I had a bowl of cereal… and I have only just stopped 12 hours later.

I am trying to work out what is wrong, and I think I am just really, really lonely. I want to see my friend again today, but she has Guides this evening and then she is away for the weekend. Plus I don’t want to be clingy. Except I really, really do.

I keep telling myself it will be better when term starts, but in my heart of hearts I know it won’t be. All my good friends are finishing their PhDs now and moving away. There is a huge schism between me and the 19 year old boys who comprise my course.

I just really want to hug someone, and tell them how I feel. Half the time I see no real point in life. After a big binge session I just want to curl up and die, I disgust myself so much. I so wish I could cry. I really, really do. But how do you re-learn that?

I know this sounds negative, but I am trying to solve my problems. I am reaching out to people. I just wish I had some more support.

In the past I deliberately pushed people away so I could be alone with food. Now I am doing everything I can NOT to be alone with food. I am fighting.

So yeah, erm, any guys (or girls) with a hero complex feel free to save me!