I have put off these exams 3 times already. I feel like I am watching my life pass me by while all I do is indulge in bulimia.

Except I hate being bulimic. It is destroying my life… But as I watch my life crumble around me it is the only thing that offers me comfort.

The irony is I wouldn’t need comforting if I wasn’t bulimic.

My coping mechanism has become my problem.

"The path that I have chosen now has led me to a wall,
and with each passing day I feel a little more like something dear was lost.
It rises now before me,
a dark and silent barrier,
between all I am,
and all I would ever want to be."
Kansas, The Wall
"

I don’t leave the house much
I don’t like being around people
Makes me nervous and weird
I don’t like going to shows either
It’s better for me to stay home
Some might think it means i hate people
But that’s not quite right

I do some stupid things
But my heart’s in the right place
And this i know

"
Mark Oliver Everett (Eels) - Things the Grandchildren Should Know

Revision Time

I haven’t posted much recently. This is partly because little has changed and partly because I have exams coming up.

Once again, I have left studying till the last minute. Even worse the stress is making my bulimia worse and I am spending up to 10 hours a day on that which means 10 hours less on studying. I will likely fail at this rate.

I am hoping to get a grip on it. This is the second time I have sat this year - last year I didn’t do the exams because everything was awful.

Read more - positive but mentions past behaviours though in little detail.

Read More

"When you believe in yourself more than you believe in food, you will stop using food as if it were your only chance at not falling apart."
Geneen Roth (via confirming-recovery)

I am so frustrated with myself.

Feeling Jealous

Hmm, this is probably a disordered thought but it is driving me mental. I shall put it under a read more.

Read More

"Don’t be afraid to take a big step if one is indicated. You can’t cross a chasm in two small jumps."
David Lloyd George
A message from Anonymous
wud you ever go to redu where rach and fi went? :( x

Hi Anon. Unfortunately REDU isn’t really an option for me, as my weight isn’t critical and my consultant (who is on long term sick leave) doesn’t believe in IP for bulimia. She believes I need to learn to cope in the real world instead. I have been IP before, when I was very underweight, and I found it quite hard because of the competitive nature of the unit and all the strict rules etc. However I do feel really stuck at the moment. Really stuck. I know I need to pull myself together but it just feels like such a mighty task. In some parts of the country (Leeds) I know they offer stays in IP for ‘symptom interruption’ for people with bulimia who are trapped in a binge purge cycle. I wish that was available here :-(

Thank you for your question though. I hope all is well with you xxxxx