Oh my god. I am the most socially awkward person ever.

A girl I have gotten to know well who works in tesco asked me where I worked and I was too embarrassed to say that I was kind of a student but had taken a year out and was doing not very much so I lied.

It was awful.

I sort of repeated the question three times and then coughed and told her I worked in a cake shop in town. She was like “oh I love that place - I’ll come in when you are working”.

Except I don’t work there.

And I see her just about every day in tesco.

Shit.

Therapist: What do you think would help?

Me: *I DON’T KNOW!!! ISN’T IT YOUR JOB TO WORK THAT OUT?!!*

"We waste so many days waiting for weekend. So many nights wanting morning. Our lust for future comfort is the biggest thief of life."

My mums friend (who is also my godmother) is coming to stay for two nights and I am terrified about this. Seriously, my anxiety is through the roof. My mum keeps going on about how it will make me not binge and make positive changes but all I can think about is how I will binge when they leave to collect her from the airport.

She is a lovely lady and she sends me lovely presents so I will have to make an appearance and be sociable… Which I also find hard. Especially when I feel like shit.

I am just having such a rough time at the moment with exams. The thought of having another person in the house is making me feel sick with fear.

I have put off these exams 3 times already. I feel like I am watching my life pass me by while all I do is indulge in bulimia.

Except I hate being bulimic. It is destroying my life… But as I watch my life crumble around me it is the only thing that offers me comfort.

The irony is I wouldn’t need comforting if I wasn’t bulimic.

My coping mechanism has become my problem.

"The path that I have chosen now has led me to a wall,
and with each passing day I feel a little more like something dear was lost.
It rises now before me,
a dark and silent barrier,
between all I am,
and all I would ever want to be."
Kansas, The Wall
"

I don’t leave the house much
I don’t like being around people
Makes me nervous and weird
I don’t like going to shows either
It’s better for me to stay home
Some might think it means i hate people
But that’s not quite right

I do some stupid things
But my heart’s in the right place
And this i know

"
Mark Oliver Everett (Eels) - Things the Grandchildren Should Know

Revision Time

I haven’t posted much recently. This is partly because little has changed and partly because I have exams coming up.

Once again, I have left studying till the last minute. Even worse the stress is making my bulimia worse and I am spending up to 10 hours a day on that which means 10 hours less on studying. I will likely fail at this rate.

I am hoping to get a grip on it. This is the second time I have sat this year - last year I didn’t do the exams because everything was awful.

Read more - positive but mentions past behaviours though in little detail.

Read More

"When you believe in yourself more than you believe in food, you will stop using food as if it were your only chance at not falling apart."
Geneen Roth (via confirming-recovery)