Very Scared

Ok, so I am really getting to the point where I can’t cope with my courses and I am scared.

I am scared that years of abuse to my body have left me brain damaged in some way, or at least cognitively impaired. I used to be so able academically and now I am really really finding it hard to learn things I know I understood years ago.

The only things I really value about myself are my ability academically and my previously low weight (stopped that one a while ago).

Without that why I am even here?

I’m really struggling with keeping up with the work this term.

I just had a tutorial on calculus and I honestly just wanted to cry. It was awful.

Now I can’t work out if the stress is making the bulimia worse or if the bulimia is making the stress worse.

18 hours. I got up at 6.30am and thought “just a quick binge, before class”.

Never made it to class. Or labs. Or outside.

18 hours later and I am praying that sleep will provide me some respite.

I never want another day like today.

I will recover. Because there is so much more out there than this.

letsrediscoverkitty:

Uni were giving out free ‘happiness bags’ for world mental health day. This has made my day.

letsrediscoverkitty:

Uni were giving out free ‘happiness bags’ for world mental health day. This has made my day.

Sorry about yesterday, and thank you so much to everyone who commented and messaged me. I will reply to you.

I have so much work to do and I just got up. I forgot my Venlafaxine yesterday so I feel totally spaced out.

And now I have lots of work to do but I feel like everything is such a monumental effort. And my mind just will not stop obsessing over relationships/ friendships and I wish I could turn it off.

But I will not go down without a fight. Even if I am still in my pyjamas!

I think I just committed tumblr suicide.

Oh well. YOLO.

A Post I am Going to Regret but Fuck It

I am angry, confused and hurting. Apparently I am just not enough. And all this shit I thought I was over? I’m not.

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I was in the library till 2am last night doing my probability questions. They made no sense. All this crap about “if the 30th card is an Ace what is the chance the next card is the Jack of Diamonds? I don’t know! Problem is they are part of my final mark. In the lecture today the lecturer wrote a problem on the board and said if we couldn’t solve it we were shit. I had no idea what the hell was going on… I need to revise but I have so much else to do.

Had no sleep last night. Only two more lectures to go today though, until 5pm, and then I am having a nap.

Keep randomly wanting to cry.

Ok. Time to pull myself together and get my ass to the library. I WILL remain positive.

My mood has really dipped recently. All I want to do is binge and binge and binge. Even the purging feels a lot more effort. 

So that is mainly what I did this weekend. Result? Weight gain. 

And I have a stupid appointment with my consultant this week (Wednesday) and honestly, she is the most triggering person in my life. Last time I saw her she said “yes, we often see people like you who develop anorexia, drop to very low weights, don’t recover properly and then develop bulimia, but you will never be thin again” followed by “well, your BMI doesn’t qualify you for individual therapy but is too low for group therapy”. 

She also told me she “expected I would have put on weight” by the next appointment, and I guess I am going to prove her right.