So yesterday I made a real effort and had a good day. I arranged to meet a friend in the evening and it was lovely to just chat and be with someone.
Unfortunately after I came home I had a bowl of cereal… and I have only just stopped 12 hours later.
I am trying to work out what is wrong, and I think I am just really, really lonely. I want to see my friend again today, but she has Guides this evening and then she is away for the weekend. Plus I don’t want to be clingy. Except I really, really do.
I keep telling myself it will be better when term starts, but in my heart of hearts I know it won’t be. All my good friends are finishing their PhDs now and moving away. There is a huge schism between me and the 19 year old boys who comprise my course.
I just really want to hug someone, and tell them how I feel. Half the time I see no real point in life. After a big binge session I just want to curl up and die, I disgust myself so much. I so wish I could cry. I really, really do. But how do you re-learn that?
I know this sounds negative, but I am trying to solve my problems. I am reaching out to people. I just wish I had some more support.
In the past I deliberately pushed people away so I could be alone with food. Now I am doing everything I can NOT to be alone with food. I am fighting.
So yeah, erm, any guys (or girls) with a hero complex feel free to save me!