More Questions

Yay! The awesome lauralittlex tagged me :-)

1. what is your favourite outfit? do you like fashion or do you just wear whatever and whenever you like? who is your style inspiration?
Hmm, I guess my GAP jeans (£9.99 - bargain), and floral hoody are my go to at the moment. I generally live in jeans and hoodies. I do like fashion, but I am shit at trying to recreate it so I generally just wear the same clothes loads (though I own far more). Oh man - I am so conflicted over style inspiration. Part of me loves sort of Gothic type clothes like corsets etc, probably from watching too much Buffy growing up, but I also like grungy outfits. I’m not really a dress person…or a girly girl.

2. are you subscribed to anyone on youtube? who do you watch religiously?
Not right now… although I do enjoy videos by a certain Scottish lass who loves a good rant and goes by the name laura-little!

3. who is your celebrity crush? have you met any celebrities?
I met Michael Douglas and sat on a bus with him (he came to play golf in my hometown), also Samuel L Jackson, Gary Linekar, Steve Redgrave, Hugh Grant (all from golf - I used to work at the tournaments). I met Katy Hill (blue peter presenter) when I designed the cover for the Blue Peter Proms program, and Simon Amstell (but I didn’t know who he was at the time). Oh - and celebrity crush… hmmm… I do like Benedict Cumberbatch… and he seems less of an idiot than some celebrities.

4. what is your favourite physical feature about yourself? do not reply with ‘none’. it’s a question for a reason; i want an answer :) 
Ok. Hmm. Well, I like my teeth because they are straight and still vaguely intact! Also (this is a bit weird) I like the fact I have small boobs. My mum does too… but it makes things much easier!

5. what is your favourite way to spend an evening? in/out?
In, or out at a quietish pub. I like to interact with people, so going to the cinema isn’t that great. I guess maybe having a really yummy meal out and chatting (well - if I could leave my ED at home anyway) or just going to a friends house, having a couple of drinks and laughing and talking. I wish I could get rid of the bulimia, because I used to love going for meals at friends houses.

6. do you currently like anyone? as in, ‘like, like’
Yes. So much it hurts. I dream about them constantly, then wake up and remember that they already have a fucking girlfriend and I am not even on their radar. I have liked this person for… 15 years.

7. favourite cereal? and porridge doesn’t count.
Only 1? Because I LOVE Weetabix. I used to come home from school and eat about 8 of them when I was little. But I also love Cornflakes, Shreddies, Coco Pops and Rice Krispies and I would happily live on cereal because it is amazing.

8. do you feel more comfortable with your hair up or hair down?
Hair up, unless I have straightened it and then I like to wear it down and imagine it looks amazing, even if it looks shit!

9. when you go for a walk, do you like to go the same route time and time again or take a new one each time?
I get bored doing the same route so I like to try new ones, just to alleviate the boredom. That being said, I don’t generally like to try new things!

10. post a selfie makng the ugliest face you can.

Questions!

I was tagged by the lovely Fi (@live-and-heal).

1) Jaffa cake: cake or biscuit?
Hmmm. I am pretty sure it was proved to be a cake, because it gets harder when it goes stale or something? But I don’t think it is a cake. Or a biscuit either. OMG, I am so confused. But I would probably go with biscuit. I really want one now…

2) What are you wearing right now?
Blue flared jeans from GAP (only £9.99 in the sale), a flowery hoodie, a black t-shirt top, thick socks and a really uncomfortable bra which I will take off soon.

3) Would you rather shave your head or wear clown make-up every day for a month?
I have always kind of wanted to shave my head after I saw V for Vendetta because Natalie Portman still looked sexy even when bald. Plus, my hair is really annoying. But I do like being able to tie it back. Still shaved head though I guess!

4) If you could be the best in the world at anything what would it be?
Good question! Probably Maths. I would love to be able to create a new branch of maths that would live on after I died. Plus, it would make the next set of exams much easier! And I would be rich because I could go to casinos and count cards.

5) Favourite childhood TV program?
Hmmm. I remember watching Grange Hill with my sister a lot and Byker Grove. Apparently I loved Sesame Street, but I don’t really remember that. Also there was a program about a horse called Thara or something… I liked horses. OH HANG ON - Animals of Farthing Wood. ANIMALS OF FARTHING WOOD!!! I LOVED that show and I had a subscription to all the magazines.

6) Best birthday party you’ve ever had?
My sister won a competition so we got to go to London and stay in a fancy hotel and see “The King and I” at the West End and eat at The Hard Rock Cafe… that was pretty awesome! It just happened to fall on my birthday. I never really had god parties in school, because I had no real friends and when I did have big parties people only came for the free food.

7) Name the first three things you can see beginning with the letter ‘B?’
Bed (I’m on it), a Bert toy from sesame street, Books.

8) Are you a starter or a pudding person?
This is a constant dilemma in my life and I would have to say both. If the pudding involves ice cream, then pudding… but I LOVE things like garlic pizza bread for starters.

9) You can live in any country with unlimited money but you have to cut all contact with your current friends and family for ever. Would you do it and if so where would you go?
I don’t think I would do it. I tend to value human relationships more than money… but I might be tempted! I would likely go to America, and try and start a new life there. But I am 99% certain I wouldn’t go.

10) Pet hate?
Ohhh… I am trying to become more tolerant these days, but I really hate it when I think I can see through someone and no one else can. Also, hypocrites, arrogant people, people who seem to have perfect lives and enjoy rubbing it in my face!

11) Do you collect anything? If so what and for how long?
I collect Snoopy things (well, all of the Peanuts gang really). My mum loved Snoopy and I sort of inherited it from her. It is something we use to bond over! Also, Beatrix Potter china figures, although they have stopped making them now. I guess I have collected those for 7 years?

A message from Anonymous
I hope your exams went/are going ok x

Aww anon, Thank you so much for your message!

I just finished them today, and I am so relieved. Some of them were pretty bad, and I got very angry with myself because I wasted so much time on bulimia when I should have been revising. That was hard, especially when I ended up sleep deprived too.

But I managed not to sleep through any of them and I did my best (or the best I could given current circumstances) and there is nothing else I can do now, until the results come out.

Thank you again for your message. It means a lot. xxx

Shit shit shit! I forgot my Venlafaxine last night and slept for 18 hours. I had meant to revise.

And now I can barely keep my eyes open and I have am physics exam in just over an hour.

Shit.

Today is crap. So crap. I have done nothing but eat and the feeling of self loathing are relentless.

I just feel I have nothing to give in life. My entire life is just one indulgence after another. I really want to cry but I can’t make the tears come. And I feel so so bad for my parents. My Mum especially has given me so much love and I am still a massive shitty disappointment.

This is really negative. I will pull myself together soon but god I wish days like this didn’t exist. I wish I didn’t exist.

Bleugh - TW

I tried to have a decent pre exam breakfast but ended up eating about 5000 calories.

Now I just want to sleep.

Why?!? Why am I so weak willed.

3.30am Thoughts

I KNOW exams are not the be all and the end all (although, many thanks to @ninecatslives for reminding me).

It is just quite a lot rests on these. Will I be able to stay in Edinburgh next year? Will I be able to complete my degree?

Also, this degree was always my dream, and the thought that Bulimia might be stripping me of my dream is awful. I have lost too much to an eating disorder already.

I am coming back to Edinburgh to sit all my exams.

I will be honest. I have been trying my hardest to revise but it hasn’t really happened, bulimia is a bitch when I am stressed. I am expecting to fail at least one if not several of the exams. But I intend to show up. I don’t want to go down without a fight.

I am hoping they may let me progress and allow me to make up the courses next year.

I feel so lost.

"Sometimes our best intentions do not go
amiss; sometimes we do as we meant to.
The sun will sometimes melt a field of sorrow
that seemed hard frozen; may it happen for you."
Sheenagh Pugh