I don’t know what to do. My head feels like it is going to explode.
I feel so low. I don’t even understand why. The only thing that has really gone wrong today is a jump in my weight. But I am full of self loathing.
I wrote a comment on my old MSc supervisors Facebook status and he replied in a way that implied I was an idiot. When I saw that this morning it made me cry. WTF is wrong with me?
All I wrote was that we should have had unicorns at the opening ceremony of the Commonwealth games (because they are Scotland’s national animal), but now I feel like that statement has made me sound immature, stupid, idiotic and cringeworthy.
I need to revise, but I can’t motivate myself. Life seems so awful I am not sure if I want to be around to finish my degree.
COME ON SELF!!!!???? PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER.
Stupid stupid me
My parents are away for two nights and you can guess what I have been doing since they left.
Binge binge binge… I have been up all night doing it and I started at 2pm. I hate myself. Why do I never remember how awful it makes me feel. And I have been trying so hard and doing so well.
I just want to cry. I feel so alone. I am such a screw up. And my weight has shot up and the stupid GP will weigh me and I wish they wouldn’t.
I am going to sleep now. And when I wake up I am going to try and start a fresh.
Horriffic Exam Timetable
This is my Exam Timetable, published today.
I kept putting off my exams and now I have all of them at once and if I don’t pass them all I get kicked off the course. On the very first day I have 6 hours of exams :’(
Mathematical Proofs: 9:30am - 12:30am
Computational Logic: 2:30pm - 5:30pm
Linear Algebra: 9:30am - 12:30am
Calculus: 9:30am - 12:30am
Functional Programming (Haskell): 9:30am - 12:30am
Object Oriented Programming (Java): 9:30am - 12:30am
Physics: 9:30am - 11:30am
Data and Analysis: 9:30am - 11:30am
I shouldn’t have written that post yesterday about the message my aunt sent me. It was a fair comment, and I guess a bit of a wake up call.
I am really struggling with revision and the extra food, and absence of purging is making me mega bloated. I have found some yummy stuff though! Will post a couple of pics…
A Rant about a Text
I sent a text to my aunt, who is the only person in my family who I thought understood eating disorders. I told her I was worried about my Dad as he had being growing more depressed lately and asked her advice.
This is what I got back:
"Good to hear Dad enjoyed having Douglas to stay (he had a friend to stay last weekend). I’m sure he is depressed, but so would anyone be who was in his shoes. He worries constantly that he dies before you have learned to live with the eating disorder and that you and mum are left destitute. I had to take my own advice yesterday because I didn’t want to go to a Ceilidh as I didn’t think I looked good, but I went. Wasn’t much fun and I wasn’t in the mood”
1) My biggest fear is my Dad dying before he has seen me become stable and successful in life. If I don’t recover before he dies I will never forgive myself. He is 73 now, and not in good health, and it is a thought which torments me. I do not appreciate it being stuck in a text message.
2) I find it pretty insulting she thinks I would end up taking all my mums money. I really do. My sister (my aunts favourite niece) has never worked a day in her life and I have worked ever since I was 16. Yes, my finances are shit because of all the food I buy, but I never sponge off my parents and I would NEVER accept money if it meant my mum had to deprive herself.
3)”learned to live with the eating disorder” - oh, thanks! So I guess you never think I will fully recover then?
4) Then you tell me you didn’t want to go to a ceilidh because you felt fat, which obviously means you understand me perfectly. When I told my aunt I wasn’t going to my graduation because I had no friends in my uni year and felt I looked awful (I weighed 17 stone - I was well into the super obese BMI range) she told me I was a selfish, vain individual and I shouldn’t have denied my parents the pleasure of seeing me graduate. And my aunt isn’t even over weight!