Stupid stupid me

My parents are away for two nights and you can guess what I have been doing since they left.

Binge binge binge… I have been up all night doing it and I started at 2pm. I hate myself. Why do I never remember how awful it makes me feel. And I have been trying so hard and doing so well.

I just want to cry. I feel so alone. I am such a screw up. And my weight has shot up and the stupid GP will weigh me and I wish they wouldn’t.

I am going to sleep now. And when I wake up I am going to try and start a fresh.

"Bad luck isn’t brought by broken mirrors, but by broken minds"
Suspiria

Horriffic Exam Timetable

This is my Exam Timetable, published today.

I kept putting off my exams and now I have all of them at once and if I don’t pass them all I get kicked off the course. On the very first day I have 6 hours of exams :’(

Monday 11th:
Mathematical Proofs: 9:30am - 12:30am
Computational Logic: 2:30pm -   5:30pm

Tuesday 12th:
Linear Algebra: 9:30am - 12:30am

Wednesday 13th:
Calculus: 9:30am - 12:30am

Thursday 14th:
Functional Programming (Haskell): 9:30am - 12:30am

Friday 15th:
Object Oriented Programming (Java): 9:30am - 12:30am

Wednesday 20th:
Physics: 9:30am - 11:30am

Thursday 21st:
Data and Analysis: 9:30am - 11:30am

Has anyone else tried these mini cornetto sweets (no ice cream present).

They are amazing! Like a crispy cone filled with this sort of ice cream flavoured mousse thing (ok that makes it sound crap but it is lovely).

Ok… This was a 500g tub of tablet swirled yoghurt. It was really, really thick and creamy and yummy and I ate it all.

I got it reduced in sainsburys (only £1). Also - I though tablet was a Scottish thing but apparently it is Russian Fudge?!

I shouldn’t have written that post yesterday about the message my aunt sent me. It was a fair comment, and I guess a bit of a wake up call.

I am really struggling with revision and the extra food, and absence of purging is making me mega bloated. I have found some yummy stuff though! Will post a couple of pics…

A Rant about a Text

I sent a text to my aunt, who is the only person in my family who I thought understood eating disorders. I told her I was worried about my Dad as he had being growing more depressed lately and asked her advice.

This is what I got back:

"Good to hear Dad enjoyed having Douglas to stay (he had a friend to stay last weekend). I’m sure he is depressed, but so would anyone be who was in his shoes. He worries constantly that he dies before you have learned to live with the eating disorder and that you and mum are left destitute. I had to take my own advice yesterday because I didn’t want to go to a Ceilidh as I didn’t think I looked good, but I went. Wasn’t much fun and I wasn’t in the mood”

Ok.

1) My biggest fear is my Dad dying before he has seen me become stable and successful in life. If I don’t recover before he dies I will never forgive myself. He is 73 now, and not in good health, and it is a thought which torments me. I do not appreciate it being stuck in a text message.

2) I find it pretty insulting she thinks I would end up taking all my mums money. I really do. My sister (my aunts favourite niece) has never worked a day in her life and I have worked ever since I was 16. Yes, my finances are shit because of all the food I buy, but I never sponge off my parents and I would NEVER accept money if it meant my mum had to deprive herself.

3)”learned to live with the eating disorder” - oh, thanks! So I guess you never think I will fully recover then?

4) Then you tell me you didn’t want to go to a ceilidh because you felt fat, which obviously means you understand me perfectly. When I told my aunt I wasn’t going to my graduation because I had no friends in my uni year and felt I looked awful (I weighed 17 stone - I was well into the super obese BMI range) she told me I was a selfish, vain individual and I shouldn’t have denied my parents the pleasure of seeing me graduate. And my aunt isn’t even over weight!

"at some point you just have to let go of what you thought should happen and live in what is happening."
unknown (via bl-ossomed)

In order to ensure I do not go for a run I am going for a shower right now.

Then I will feel all clean and fresh and will not want to get hot and sweaty.

I am a genius.

Had the entire bag of these (share size bag) as a pre-run snack while revising.

Then couldn’t be arsed to go on a run.

Feel a bit guilty but fuck it. Studying requires energy too.

Had the entire bag of these (share size bag) as a pre-run snack while revising.

Then couldn’t be arsed to go on a run.

Feel a bit guilty but fuck it. Studying requires energy too.